Determine the material of which the box is constituted, either by sending a small sample to a recognized national testing laboratory or by asking a four-year-old "What is this box made of?" For these tests, the only relevant distinction is between cardboard and any other material. Check the appropriate constitution box for the constitution of the box.

[] Cardboard    [] Other

Test 2A, Rectangularity

If the box has six rectangular sides, or five rectangular sides and one rectangular opening, mark the box "rectangular", otherwise mark the box "not rectangular". Mark the check box below, not the box you are testing.

[] Rectangular    [] Not rectangular

If the result of test 2A was "Rectangular", proceed to test 3.

If the result of test 1 was "Other" and the result of test 2A was "Not rectangular", reject the alleged box immediately with no further testing.

If the result of test 1 was "Cardboard" and the result of test 2A was not rectangular, perform test 2B. And don't make any rude comments about the check boxes not meeting the criteria for boxes. They're a different kind of box, okay?

Test 2B, Cylindricity

If the shape of the box is a right circular cylinder, closed at one or both ends, mark the box "Cylindrical". Otherwise, mark the box "Not cylindrical". For a definition of a right circular cylinder, consult Euclid's Elements. Or, ask a four-year-old "Does this look like an oatmeal box?"

[] Cylindrical    [] Not cylindrical

If the result of test 2A was not "Rectangular", and the result of test 2B was not "Cylindrical" or was "Not cylindrical", reject without further testing.

If the result of test 1 was "Other" and test 2B was performed, you didn't read the instructions. Stupid little pan woman!

Test 3, Blackness

Place the box on a clean, well lighted place for boxes.

If the box is rectangular and one side is open or missing, place the box with the open or missing side face up.

If the box is rectangular and has no missing or open side, place the box with its lightest side down. If all sides are the same color, put the damn thing on the table however you please.

Cylindrical boxes with an open end are placed with the open end up so the oatmeal doesn't spill. Closed cylindrical boxes should be placed with the lightest end down. Lightest color, not lightest weight.

Compare the color of all exposed surfaces of the box with Pantone® coated color chips.

Pantone is a ®egiste®ed t®adema®k of Pantone. They're trying to register Color® but the courts are giving them some trouble. Maybe now that Bush is president?

If the best color match is Pantone Process Black or Pantone Black 6 CVC, mark the box "Definitely black"

If the best color match is Pantone Black (n) CVC, where (n) is an integer between 2 and seven, excluding 6, mark the box "Kinda sorta black".

If the best match is any other color, mark the box "Not black".

[] Definitely black    [] Kinda sorta black    [] Not black

If the box passed the shape test and is "Definitely black", pass it. If it's "Not black", flunk it. If it's "Kinda sorta black", flip a coin.